My Heart....My Thoughts...My Prayers....My Hope....His Vision

Fighting Sadness...hanging onto Hope

2007-11-08T18:38:00.001-08:00

Their are SOOOO many things I want in life!!!!
I find myself very sad over the fact that most of what I want out of Life I do not have right now
hahaha but of course as I type this God reminds me that I have a LOVING family and a very nice roof over my head...so yes their are HUGE necessities that I have in my Life right now and for that I am Truly thankful....
..But my Heart and Spirit yearn for so much!!!
A few months ago I stood outside of my home and just talked and cried to God...Like a REALLY good deep sincere heart to heart convesation....where I was able to open up to Him...It felt so good...and it gave me soo much clairty and assurance in what He has placed in my heart
Now I stand on His Promises...I put my Trust in His Word and Love for me
But I find myself sad and worried over missing out...
Missing out on what He has for me...missing out on ministry....missing out on a love....missing out on a relationship and a family
Their is SO much that my heart cries out for....I don't mind the wait....just as long as I get there!

Faith Trust Hope

2007-11-08T18:37:00.001-08:00

Okay...this is going to be a combination of what I have been going through lately...frustrations....hopes....and finally what I rest....The Promises of God!

Many of yal know me...and know me well...I am a pretty open book about my life and what I want to experience during it...I LOVE Jesus and I want nothing more to be consumed and lead by Him...to be put strategically in places to proclaim His Love...His Forgiveness...His Power...and amazingly..His Compainionship!!

This morning I rest on the fact and belief that God has called me to places before I was even born...He called me to Birmingham..He called me to Daytona..He called me to Church of the Highlands..to Crawford Broadcasting...to Europe!!! And noone and no situation can take that away...I AM in the Palm of His Hands...and noone can take me out of it!!

So I sit here in this situation...feeling like I am between worlds...the world I don't want...and the Kingdom I so want to be apart of....I look around and all I see is darkness...no windows....no doors...seperated from what I want and desire in my life...as I told someone at church this past Wednesday (crying uncontrollably might I add) that I feel incomplete
But again I look around and where to the earthly eye their is no door, no window, no promise, and possibly no hope......I through the eyes of The Spirit...hear the birds chirpping....feel the cool breeze through that window and put my hand upon that door knob ready for God to open it...I WILL walk through through..fly through...run through.......be carried through that door...I will be right in the Promise....the Purpose...the Kingdom of God....the things, the stories, the songs that He has written upon my heart! I WILL lay hold and experience the Amazing Grace that God has for me...humbly....(deep breath)....patiently....but knowing and trusting that it will come soon.
He has place a vision in my Heart...a purpose in my Spirit....a story in my mouth...and nothing will keep me from it in Jesus Name!

Isaiah 42:9 "See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you."
See....God speaks to us about our life before things happen...Trust in what God has put upon your Heart...lean upon Him....Their might and probably will be days when it is dark and instead of hearing those birds chirp you hear the storm coming...instead of feeling the cool breeze upon your face you feel the violent waves crashing against you....Do NOT be afraid for He is with you...He has given you a prupose and a plan...a destiny...a song...a word....a vision....a fire to spark in others...Go after it and don't give up...Trust...Hope...and have Faith in what God has written upon your Heart!

Isaiah 42:5b-7 "who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it; I the Lord have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a convenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from teh dungeon those who sit in darkness"

Isaiah 43:1b-3a "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God."

NOT what I am looking for

2007-11-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

So tonight I was very much reminded of why I have made the decisions I have personaly made and that I am quite happy with them...
It has been a long time since I have "gone out" and I am not at all interested in making it a habit but I had heard of a few places that did sound like that they might be slightly different and fun to check out....
Mainly this place called Twist and Shout....Its a dueling Piano bar....
Now we all have different convictions on certain things and that is fine....but this is what happens to me when I go to places like this....
1.) I am reminded that this is the very life that God took me out of almost 13 years ago and I have no desire to ever go to back to it....why....after ALL that God has done for me personally in my life would I ever want to go back to that enviroment....
2.) I hurt...I mean really Hurt for the people that I see there....Their is NO possible way that I could EVER have fun there...I might share a few laughs are whatever but I am truly miserable when I look around at each person there....I hurt for the lost....that this is the life that they know and have chose and I know that their is so much more for them...I have been there...I have lived that life...and I know the true pain and emptyness that is hidden within their hearts...and I hurt fo rmy Christian friends that are there...NOW....in no way is this condeming or comming down on people that have made different choices than I have made....this is just how I fell and how my Spirit and Heart is affected....I hurt for my friends b/c I know the work God Has done in their lives and wants to do through them...I feel that their is SOOOOOOOO much more to what we can be doing with our lives and the INFLUENCE that we can be having on those around us...but that is all I will say on that b/c this is not a bashing blog...this is a thoughtful here is my heart blog
3.) I feel GREATLY out of place...a fish out of water...hey didn't I just hear a sermon on that...yea I think so...Ron Luce Thursday night desperation HA..thats funny...okay moving on....I am not me in that place...smiling laughing talking and just plain ol feeling like myself...if that makes sense....It is not my world...it is not my enviroment....The gifts and the personalilty traits that God has so richly given me does not come out in those enviroments but I feel is tucked away and hidden....and in that I truly find NO Joy....

Yes we are in the world we are to make a difference...BUT....we are NOT of the world......and when I am in those places I feel like I look just like them and I feel like I have checked my witnessing and influence at the door...and that is not a price I am willing to pay!

The Impossible

2007-11-08T18:34:00.001-08:00

The Impossible

"If you say step out on the water and they say it can't be done then we will fix our eyes on you and we will come"
As I sit here in my living room with a bunch of amazing friends....candles burning worship playing loudly throughout my place....and people spread out spending time with Jesus...I am listening to the Rita Springer song "If You Say Go"
I am reminded that all things are possible with God
No matter what He has called us to...no matter what He has placed inside of your heart you CAN and WILL accomplish it....don't let anything or anyone stand in your way.
He has called us to great things...things that are amazing....that are adventurous...and IMPOSSIBLE!!
How amazing is that...
When I listen to this song I want to jump in that rive and experience all that God has for me!!! I want to get lost in it...to get lost in Him where He is leading and guiding me....
Now go and seek after God...find out what Amazing things he has stored within your heart...go and find His Story for you and live it unashamely (sp?) and passionately...your whole heart
Their is no great life than that....to know God and being a part of His plan

.....earlier while reading the one year Bible in Duet. 30-31 it is talking about the Isrealites and how they go back and forth on being faithful...and it says that their hearts were not loyal...and that struck me...that most of all....that I want my heart to be loyal...
Plain and simple...that I want my heart to be loyal to my God

He Still Loves Me

2007-11-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

Hey guys...Okay so I sent this email today to a friend...it really just came from my heart...it was very honest and wasnt' meant to be put out on a blog...but after writting it I just wanted to put it up here...to spark discussion or mabye even to minister...

So here is my email to an amazing new friend that I am VERY thankful for...you know who you are and you ROCK :-)

This is going to be a random message...just going to warn you hahaha...but
I am talking to my friend right now through text messages....she is going
through a hard time and I have been desperately trying to encourage her in
who she is in God, the value He has placed in her, and that she deserves
and NEEDS the best that God has for her!!
And why I text her and think about all the crazy decisions we all make as
human beings trying to find satisfaction and to just fill that void that we
can not escape without God....that He is STILL so VERY faithful....and
that amazes me...
All I can say is that I am in awe of God right now....
I am sitting here thinking about my own life....I love God with all of my
heart...I sooooo desire to know him more and more.....to go from Glory to
Glory....to experience ALL that He has for me....But.....I continually fall
short of the Glory of God.....but everytime I fall flat on my face and go
okay God I did it again...even knowingly mess up .... I lift up my eyes and
amazingly I still see him standing there...
I don't know why he doesn't give up on me....I don't knwo why He loves me
that much....enough to wash my sins, mistakes, and just selfishness
away....But He does...and for that today I am in awe of Him
I was reading in the old testament about having a "loyal heart" and that
struck me and has stayed with me....it reminds me of the lyric from
Delirious about keeing my heart upon His alter....That is what I WANT!!!
I want a Loyal heart...one that does not so easily turn away when I find
something temporaly....one that doesn't look for other things to fill that
void while still knowing that it won't and only God can
Because He has done so much for me I want to do so much for Him.
I want to be loyal...to make Him proud....to bring a smile upon His face
I want to be His child...His daughter :-)
Okay....thanks for letting me share that :-) hahahaha

As I continued to think about what I wrote and actually talked it out with another close friend God began to speak to me about it....He began to bring peace to my heart....
I just couldn't and still really can't get my mind around the idea that I willingly mess up and God still loves me and forgives me....and that is when he reminded me that He knows that I am human...He knows I am going to mess up....I am NOT perfect!!!!! I will NEVER be perfect......
BUT....Out of my love for Him because He first loved me I am going to pick up my cross daily and follow hard after Him...I am going to pick myself up...brush the dirt off, and take a look at my bruises and learn from them...They will go away but I don't want them again...

I surrender...I surrender to His Love and His Will...to His Best for me....because His Best is more than what I could ever ask for or dream for...
So God I trust in You...God I am love with...
And from the depths of my heart I am soooo thankful that you First Loved me.....Thank you